It is astounding to me that so many people can lie to themselves this easily. It is even more incredible that as a society, we have turned those lies into conventional wisdom.

How long can people stay in this type of denial?

There is a definition of insanity that reads, 'Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results every time'. If as a society, we observed another culture that has a greater than 50% mortality rate treating the measles, we would collectively question how they approach medicine. If that same culture were to encourage its population to invest their entire life savings only to have half of them go completely bankrupt, while the majority of the remainder lived below the poverty line, we would think they were sensationally stupid. Yet that is exactly what we as Americans do when it concerns marriage.

Insanity.

There is a small portion of our society that has summoned the courage to question an institution that has such an abysmal rate of failure. However these people who decide not to engage in a matrimonial practice that has traditionally proven to be horribly unsuccessful are considered to be the ones who are acting irrational. Swingers are often met with scorn, ridicule, and sometimes worse by people whose chances for marital happiness are about the same as getting eaten by a shark. People with 'secular' lifestyles, and in particular, those who practice negotiated non-monogamy, have often found a more successful formula for longer lasting, happier marriages. Yet the standard set by alleged experts in the field of conjugality is that there is only one successful path to a happy marriage... but they have chosen a methodology that has a divorce rate greater than 50%. And often the majority of those who do manage to stay together aren't exactly living in the wedded bliss they were hoping for when they muttered the words 'I do'. Many have ignorantly classified swingers as pathological. It makes me wonder what exactly qualifies a person as an 'expert'.

I am having trouble wrapping my mind around this... and as a swinger I am tired of apologizing for who I am, how I feel, and what I do.

“Most Vanillas cheat, if not physically,
then mentally or emotionally.”

I'm going to break a lifestyle taboo here, and openly criticize our Vanilla counterparts. Not all Vanillas mind you, because there are some who actually practice physical monogamy and still manage to have great marriages. My experience has taught me that those couples are few and far between. Most Vanillas are lying to themselves, and the world around them. They adhere to a standard of monogamy that they themselves can't live up to, and they demand that others must too. Most Vanillas cheat, if not physically, then mentally or emotionally. Dr Phil McGraw (the ultimate Vanilla) defines cheating as 'acting in a way you would not act if your spouse were there'. I agree with him. But based on that definition, nearly all Vanillas will inherently cheat on one another.

It is insane to me that cheating on one's spouse is more acceptable to most of the Vanilla world than negotiated non-monogamy, just as long as they maintain the Vanilla pretense. Somehow, honest communication has taken a back seat to a false morality.

Traditional Vanilla wisdom ridiculously attaches morality to sexuality, when in reality the two have nothing to do with each other. The frequency and manner in which consenting adults have sex has nothing to do with their morality. True morality is defined in a person's daily actions, and how they treat their fellow man... I will maintain that sexually active people have a greater probability of treating other human beings in a manner consistent with true morality, rather than those who deny their natural earthly impulses. People who don't have a good sex life will almost always experience frustration, and it will often unleash itself on the rest of the world as anger and self-righteous indignation.

“I will maintain that having a good sex life is vital
for a successful marriage. I hate to break it to the world,
but swingers tend to have better sex lives
than our Vanilla counterparts.”

Being married is tough... I get it. Between having children, holding a mortgage, deciding whose family you are going to visit for the holidays, and how much it's going to cost to fix the water heater, it can be extremely difficult for two individuals to live harmony. If you pile a lousy sex life on top of that, the burden can almost be too much to bear. I will maintain that having a good sex life is vital for a successful marriage. I hate to break it to the world, but swingers tend to have better sex lives than our Vanilla counterparts. If that reality offends you, then I suggest you develop a thicker skin. If Vanillas believe that they can exist for their entire lives with only one set of genetalia between them, than all I can do is offer them the best of luck. We swingers (most of us anyway) prefer the honesty, integrity and variety that our lifestyle provides.

In my life I have lived on both sides of the matrimonial fence. I've discovered that for some reason, most swingers are afraid to openly stand up for themselves and exclaim to the rest of the world that the grass is indeed greener on our side. Vanillas aspire to live a 'fairy tale' life when it comes to marriage.

Walt Disney ends all of his stories at the wedding 'They lived happily Ever After'.

For swingers, that is when the story begins.

We live the true fairy tale...and I think it's about time we stop apologizing for that.

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